She is in my trunk
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
