It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Randomize
