Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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