she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Randomize
