Need sex. Gaining weight.
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
