do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
