Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
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