I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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