my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Randomize
