We're like a lot better than the average bears
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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