my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Randomize
