everyone is single if you try hard enough
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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