im six kinds of drunk right now
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Randomize
