he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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