i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
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