ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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