Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Randomize
