my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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