Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
