i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
