i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
