i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
