a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
