$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Randomize
