I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
