Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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