I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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