It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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