He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Randomize
