My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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