At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
