I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Randomize
