just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
Randomize