I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
