Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
how drunk are you?
Several
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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