I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
