What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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