for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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