I can't breathe out the right side of my face
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Randomize
