omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
