Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
