My liver just broke up with me...
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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