you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
