Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
