The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
