Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
