Your dad touched me again.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Dear god my vagina.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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