Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
