Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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