Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
