You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
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