We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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